My grandma wants your wagon

So I'm selling my car at the moment and it's been a long process of strange questions, low ball offers and people who just can't read ads to save themselves. And while it's up on Facebook, I've been loathe to put it on Gumtree for the sake of scammers and shitkickers. However today I finally did put up an ad for it there...

...only to have an idiot scammer immediately contact me, literally seconds after it appeared. So while I wait for genuine offers, I figured I'd mess with this moron in the meantime..

I mean what about this opening email suggests this buyer is nothing but legitimate? Grandma wants a turbo wagon from Japan? Of course she does! 

dear seller thanx for the post my grandma was satisfied with it she could like to contact u s ol whabt's yonr e*makil add3 ers with the last available price mate - Williams.

Your grandma obviously has taste Williams! So I messaged back with the same price that was on the ad from mere minutes ago and gave an email address I exclusively use to annoy scammers with. In no time flat, the next part of this exciting saga appeared:

Representing the scammers side of the conversation are these pair of dodgy internet fraudsters.

Camille Farrell (possibly not Williams's Grandma): I am very keen to buy now, can you assure me I will not be disappointed buying this from you ?
What's the present condition and why are you selling it ?

Representing me as 'Gemma' in this correspondence is the occasionally nude Kellie Marie

Gemma (Me): Hi Camille,

I too am like you, I hope I don't get disappointed when buying a car. When I press the ejector seat button, I expect the damn seat to eject and go flying through the roof. When I buy a Delorean, I expect magic to happen at 88mph. And therefore I sincerely doubt you'll be disappointed in this baby - I've lost count at how many people have had a ride in and gone 'wow, pull over, I want to jump your bones in the back of this thing!'

Its condition is: Ideal for post apocalyptic conditions and I'm selling this to fund my breast reduction surgery as they keep honking the horns when I least expect it.

Anyway, any more questions? I'm about to pick up this handsome looking hitch hiker to see what he thinks of the suspension.

Cheers
-Gemma

Thanks for the swift response and do as well advise on the least amount you will like to give it away as i am buying this for my holiday home and due to the nature of my job and location...i will not be able to come for inspection, am a very busy type as i work long hours every day, i have gone through your advertisement and i am satisfied with it.
I have a private courier agent that will come for the pick up after the payment has been made...
Regarding the payment, I will be paying you through PayPal. Please get back to me with your PayPal details so i can process the payment, OR you can alternatively send your bsb and account number if you have no PayPal account.

Kindly get back to me with the following questions below:
Account number
Account name
BSB number.

1) Are you the Owner?
2) Pick up Location?
3)what is The final Price

Thanks.

Hooly dooly, you have a holiday home? Well this shag wagon is going to look great in the driveway! Hell you could even remove the engine if you wanted to and still have people lining up to test out the back seat! You will be so impressed when the delivery goon brings it round and unloads it off the truck.

Anyway I don't do paypal after that incident with the in flight meal and the stewardess but I do have a bank account, boy howdy! And it goes like this:

Account number 778871
Account name Gemma Gerbalhump
BSB 733999

Pick up location is 61 Complete Mystery Rd, Farina, South Australia. It's the shanty looking house, you can't miss it.

Final price hasn't changed in the 60 seconds since you last asked me: 110000

Thanks

Now the account is bogus and in case you're wondering about that location, Farina is an abandoned ghost town that dried up when the mining was finished. I doubt it has a 'Complete Mystery Road' but it probably should!




I just contacted the courier agent that will assist me in handling the pickup and all necessary paper works if needed, I cannot come for the inspection and the pick up due to the nature of my work, but the Agent will assist me in handling the pickup when the payment has been made,
I bet the agent will have the greatest time ever trying to find anyone alive in Farina of all places!

Good luck finding anyone out there alive Mr Courier!

That's fantastic news Cammy Fanny,

Can I ask with courier agent you're using? We have a lot of them here in Farina so I just want to make sure the right person comes around for this beautiful car!

A DAY LATER..

No word from planet idiot, maybe they finally looked back over the assorted gibberish I wrote? Okay then, time to cattle prod them once more: 

Hello, are you there? I haven't heard from you. Are you still interested in my car or did you get so excited by this bargain you humped your computer screen in response and now it's not working properly? Could you let me know? Otherwise I'm going to have to sell it to the old guy next door who seems very keen on it, especially when I wash it outside and manage to spill most of the water on myself instead..


-Gemma

I'm still waiting on a reply..

IN THE MEANTIME, HERE'S SOME OTHER SCAMMING RELATED SHENANIGHANS YOU MAY ENJOY:

Join me as I get arrested for tax issues, 8 times! - They keep calling me pretending to have a warrant out in my name, I keep making life miserable for the idiots on the other end of the phone line.

Scamming sweethearts for the lonely soul - So many single scammers ready to steal my heart. And my wallet!

If you want my business, you'll have to fight for it - What to do with two enticing offers? Make them fight for my attention of course! I don't give away my business for free you know!