Dear renters,
We hope this email finds you well. Guess what? It's time for your biannual rent inspection!...
Dear Mr Gutherie,
RE: RENT INSPECTION 13B GOATS LANE
Please understand that just because you rent the premises on Goats Lane, it does not permit you to actually house goats themselves. Especially when we counted at least one in every room and the other five outside. Please note clause 24.2 in your agreement: Pets allowed with permission sought including cats, dogs or small tropical fish. And while we received your voice message on our system last night, there is nothing on this earth that is going to convince us that Goats are closely related to cats.
No deal.
-Your rental company
Dear Ms Hammerfeld,
RE: INSPECTION ON FLAT 2, 202 DRUID WAY
While we were pleased with the general tidiness of the place as well as the
cleanliness we were quite surprised by the individual lurking in your closest
introducing himself as 'Crackhead Gary.' He told us he lives there with you
but we see no record of this man on the agreement you signed.
Could
you please let us know if your arrangements have changed and we'll update the
agreement accordingly.
Also just a suggestion here too, could you tell Gary to wear pants if he's planning to be part of the next inspection? Thanks in advance.
-Your rental company
Dear Mr Johnstone
RE: INSPECTION 29 HUGGAID DRIVE
We attempted to conduct a rent inspection on this property today only to find a line of eager young men strangely waiting in line at the front door. When asked what they were doing, one of them asked our team member 'Is you here for the gang bang too?'
We decided it was best to postpone the inspection for another day. Please let us know asap when this would be convenient.
-Your rental company
Dear Ms Summer
RE: INSPECTION 15 GRIFFIN STREET
Firstly we just wanted to commend you on the upkeep of your lawns. In our 12 years of real estate business, I don't think we've seen such manicured lawns in any of our properties so far.
What a shame they're all piled up neatly in your hallway for some reason and no longer outside. We're looking forward to an explanation for this.
Kind regards
-Your rental company
Dear Mr and Mrs Bumheaval
RE: INSPECTION 2/6 WALLA BVLD
Explain the carpet or lack there of, we dare you. We know it had carpet the day you rented it, we have photographic evidence. Or it is court time again?
Your move, dead shits.
Kind regards
-Your rental company
Dear Mr Anderson,
RE: NICE TRY YOU LUNATIC
We're going to give you a B for effort but overall a D- for your failure of a spear throwing machine set to impale our rental inspection team upon arrival. After your acid catapult the last time our group was well and truly armoured up but there was ultimately no need - the spear path drooped more than trying to get things up after four kegs of beer and we just laughed at your piss poor effort.
Seriously, if the government didn't force us to keep you there you would have been out on your ass years ago.
-Your rental company
P.s For what it's worth, the living room did look much tidier this time around. Well done.
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