Legionaire - Slow Frank and the cranky Butler

 

It's school holiday time once more here in casa de Almigo and what better time to resurrect my arcade machine + computer project than now. Now the kids have thousands of games to choose from and I too get to discover things I haven't played yet - like Legionaire here where the idea is to punch bad guys in a bad land until there are no more bad guys to punch..

Actually no, the aim of this game is to rescue the fourth legionaire of this group, using one of the three remaining that managed not to get kidnapped by whatever this thing is: 

We're going to meet 'Pretty Piggy' later on in the game (I kid you not, 1992 bad guy names were awesome!) but for now lets introduce you to those free to punch and kick with mad abandon!

Sadly we're not given much to work with here (details were pretty sparse in the arcades of 1992) but I'll fill you in with what I know. 

Alfred likes to hurt people. He may be angry that people keep comparing him to Batman's butler and that's why he needs to take his frustrations out on the nearest bad guy. Kittens make him smile. There are no kittens in this game though.

Even though Judy can seemingly flip a man upside his head with just one arm and without breaking a sweat, Judy is the most kidnap prone of the group (there's always one isn't there?) Amusingly the trend of not giving away any female weight stats continues in this game, just like when you go undercover. 

The golden rule of thumb when making a beat em up in the 90s is that one chooseable character must be huge, muscly, angry and slow. Like Mike Hagger from final fight or Zangief from Street Fighter. As you can see, Frank here ticks the box nicely. Someone's obviously stolen his creatine and he's going to stomp a mud hole in them and the environment until he gets it back. 

Weight details? But Chris is female! It would be rude to reveal it! Yes she can get beat up, yes she can get killed BUT DON'T MENTION THE WEIGHT THING. Maybe it makes her angry? I mean she doesn't look happy here - maybe the guy on the left tried to pay her a compliment and she took it the wrong way? 

Today we're going to start with freakish Frank and those ham hocks he calls hands. Nothing like flattening people with something the size of a basketball hey Frankie?

Fresh off a session, Frank is swoler than swole and ready to punch anything and everything until the Doms kick in. Oh I forget to mention that the entire town is ruled by crime, it looks pretty awful and since this is an arcade game where the local police took the decade off, it's up to our three heroes to restore order. And rescue Judy. Oh and get Frank's creatine back, it's leg day tomorrow.
There's a lot going on here. 

'Do you even lift bro?' smug bastard Frank asks as the first level bad guy misses nailing him on the chin by a country mile. I forget to look for the bad guy's name before the level started and so all I know is that here he is simply known as 'Foe.'

Frank somehow turns invisible here while the goons who absolutely missed leg day roll up on the scene and proceed to blow up within seconds from the exertion. Like a famous coach said somewhere: 'You can't shoot a cannon from a rowboat.' (That and 'FFS Frank! No more curls in the squat rack!')

Profound stuff really.

Amazingly even with Frank's incredible arsenal of attacks (consisting of punches and also jumping and punches), somehow Foe here got the better of him. And when that happens you're treated to a scene of Judy not looking out of place in something you'd probably find on Redtube.  

Is that a creepy Ron Perlman lookalike watching on?

Now we could resurrect Frank here and continue to thump everything in existence but given how impressive his stiff legged deadlift was earlier, he's earned a rest day. So in the meantime, we tag in Mr Happy, hereby known as 'The Butler.'

Obviously trained by the Dark Knight himself, our perky pugilist The Butler challenges Foe to a round or 12 of fisticuffs. Wary after trying to punch the snot out of Frank's traps, Foe takes a minute to collect his thoughts and marvel at the smooth job the concreters did earlier - they really went overtime on this factory floor!

Foe was no match for the Butler's quick whit (and lightning fists) but alas, Frank's general slowness has allowed the kidnappers to get away. Our next boss announces themselves and it's none other than Pretty Piggy himself! Er...herself! Ah...themselves!

Figuring he can now take his leisurely time, The Butler pauses to admire some quality time pieces. Yes the future is over run by out of control gangs but even gangsters need to know what time it is and nothing matches a pair of blue battle gloves better than a Nova watch!

Quick note on the bad guys, they're not all muscle head freaks. Some are just freaks, such as this creepy pair mentally undressing The Butler while he strolls the street for a bowl of noodles. 'What in the flying fry pan is going on with their arms though?' 
Best not ask really.

Opps, almost forgot. Each character has an escape move so when you find yourself getting ganged up on, you can jump up and throw a grenade at your feet to give yourself some breathing space. This of course will sap some of your energy because effectively gravity will drag you back to the centre of that explosion pretty quickly (maybe throw it away from yourself next time?).

'Let me tell you the types of flowers I like to decorate the masters mansion with!' The Butler starts a story and the bad guys reel with the thought of fresh hibiscus and dandelions in tasteful Ming vases. Meanwhile the world's worst sound recordist aims his boom mike at the Butler's knee, just in case.

Oh and if you play this game long enough, you'll come across a lot of this tanks that someone has forgotten to put away. What they're filled with is anyone's guess (Oxygen, carbon monoxide, creatine?) but you can punch then and they like to explode right in the path of bad guys which is helpful. 

'FEED ME MORE!' Some accurate Ryback impersonators drop by to try and get booked for Summerslam.

Pic here in case you didn't get the reference

TAD is the group that made this game so the logo pops up during a few locations. They're also the mob behind the games Blood Bros and Cabal and if only they adve- wait a minute!

The Butler busts out the product placement dance while Goony Goon watches on impressed. 

'Hello and welcome to the horrible inaccurate Wolverine impersonator fan club.' Well at least they got the height bit correct. 
Interestingly Street Fighter's Vega who also used these claw weapons came out a year before this game so maybe this is a truly awful tribute?

Again, The Butler must endure being mentally undressed but at least this time the sound guy is primed and ready for anything. 
That sign above reading 'Toki' refers to another TAD production, all about a monkey who spits fireballs. I don't think I've seen hide nor hair of that game since I read about it being ported to a console in an early 90's video games mag! (Mean Machines or CVG most likely!)

Sometimes the bad guys drop food when people. Sometimes it's lollies the size of a human heart. On the odd occasion you'll also score an oversized diamond that could probably wipe out a third world nation's national debt...but there's no time for that, we've got to save Judy!

Those boxes probably contain every copy of Toki for consoles that never sold. 

Oh god, it's Pretty Piggy! Hereby known as 'Foe' because that's what we call all level bosses when we get to them. Piggy likes to hit you with that stick, drink booze and breathe fire but not necessarily in that order. Surely with just half a life point left to chew through this game, the Butler will prevail?

Right?

RIGHT??

But of course not, so it's time to tag in Chris complete with wardrobe inspired by what WWE's former head honcho Vince McMahon thought a female wrestler should be wearing to the ring circa the early 1992s. She's obviously come dressed to impress while kicking ass and WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MENTION HER WEIGHT BECAUSE THAT'S A BIG NO NO. 

If we look hard enough we could probably find Pretty Piggy's scales topping effort somewhere though, potentially between fully sated T-Rex and fully loaded aircraft carrier. Happy to have someone new to play with, Piggy prepares to give the Richter scale some overtime. 

Oh but wait, it seems Pretty Piggy didn't have the right ticket to ride this train and has fallen afoul of a group of wandering Connex train inspectors. A stern word and warning and now the fabulous haired one is free and ready to ride the rails to...uh...meet these two!

Is Dragon the redhead? Is Tiger the miffed looking one? Is there any chance Judy is still going to be on this train by the time we reach the front? (NO!)

Also I wished I played long enough to reach that 'SECLET AREA' as it sounds like a hoot!

Welcome to the train where there's plenty of open air, bugs in your teeth and whatever those boxes of poison are behind our model slash ass kicker. 

Oh and gas tanks. More gas tanks. Hilariously left precariously untethered on a fast moving train going nowhere. Even the sound guy who has endured more occupational health and safety training sessions than he's had hot dinners is clearly unimpressed.

But not as unimpressed as Chris is though who has decided that will all this possible damage to the environment, it's not worth saving the life of a single friend. Lunch with Dragon and Tiger be damned, Chris is going home. Sorry Judy, you'll just have to be part of that kinky movie all by yourself...

OTHER VIDEO GAME MADNESS YOU MAY ENJOY

Undercover Cops - The game that has nothing to do with going undercover whatsoever and gives you the chance to swing your pole while looking fabulous. And I mean that literally.  

Growl - Rescue wildlife as Ron Perlman, blow up anything that moves with rocket launchers. Why not?

Silent Dragons - No actual dragons per-se but a lot of gym junkies striking poses while Hulk Hogan's 9th cousin watches on grinning.