Monday, July 21, 2014

I have the look of a career criminal and drive the car of a felon. Allegedly.

I got pulled over this afternoon just meters from home for a license check. The good news is that I'm not the brazen criminal the local police force are looking for! Huzzar!

I look like this only without the cigar. Or the class.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

My followers on Twitter want me to lose the kilos..

I use Twitter for three things mainly:
1) To spy on workmates
2) To plug my wise words on this site
3) Pretend I'm professional.

Real like a parking fine.

What I have never used Twitter for:
1) Guides on how to lose weight
2) Weight loss guides
3) Somewhere to go when I want to FIND OUT MORE ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. NOW.

And yet for some strange reason, every second follower of mine has the following in common - an awful inspirational or poetic bio (stolen from somewhere else), a picture that's someone other than them and a recent post about losing weight. Or a retweet of someone else posting about losing weight.

Twitter...are you trying to tell me my bum looks big here??

Monday, July 14, 2014

Trust me, I think I can fix reality TV..

Lets face it - the current crop of reality TV is pretty a photocopy of what we were doing last year, which in turn was a photocopy of what we were doing last year (and so on and so forth). It's either lose weight, singing, dancing, talent displaying, cooking, building, dating, trying your hardest not to stab anyone while stranded on an island or not get hideously lost while racing around the planet. 
We've been there, done that, wash rinse repeat year in, year out. Yes I know it works and you build fan bases and loyalty and other things that equal the slightly-different but pretty-much-actually-the-same series rating well but come on TV executives, time to really light a fire under audiences before I throw a brick through my telly for the next season of Australia's Got Biggest Block Master Kitchen Dance Love Rules.

What do you reckon audience, give him a chance?

Luckily if you are a TV producer looking for the next big idea, allow me to help you as only I can..

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Help! The machines are trying to talk to me!

I was just replying to my 2765th work email of the day when my mobile went off displaying 'Private number'. When this happens, it's usually one of three possible callers - a) My mum b) the boss or c) that damn Hotel I stayed at back in 1998 that still wants me to sign up to their loyalty program where I get a free mint on my pillow for every $100 I spend, regardless of the fact that I haven't set foot in the place since 1998.

Rated 5 stars in Dirtbag Reviews

No this time around it was from Skynet. Whoops, I mean my local telecommunications service. And after it was over I'd have much rather have chatted to the machines hell bent on John Conner and all humanities destruction...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

You've toasted your last toastie

Last night after a long weekend where we were well dined, well wined and feeling just fine, we decided to go the easy way out for dinner and make toasted sandwiches. Right in the middle of the melting of the cheese, my lovely wife dropped a bombshell:

'You know, maybe it's time for a new toastie maker?'

Goodbye my friend..

Damn, another piece of my history going the way of my rice cooker, cheap frying pans and Nokia 3310...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Will help you with tax returns for scotch. Or a roast. Or mechanical repairs.

So it's tax time in House Almigo - a time when my paperwork is all over the shop, nothing is where I remember it and the receipts I find somehow belong to things purchased by this clan over five years ago.

My home office.

Like home mechanics, attempting a five star dish in the kitchen and all of my attempts at something artistic - it usually ends in tears and fire in that order. 
Still, why pay a professional to tell me I'm not a multimillionaire and my fleet of Veyrons are tax deductable when I could save $100 and do it myself in the comfort of my own dungeon?...

Friday, June 27, 2014

Flashback: Oh what a cross stitch...

In one of our last Flashback posts for the month, we check out the time when I was amused by what I found in a Spotlight store...
In casa de Almigo, we have two places we go when the creative/handy person mood suddenly strikes. For me it's the nearest hardware store (like Bunnings) where I can quite happily drift aimlessly amongst the shelves, thinking that it can't be all that difficult to build your own pergola with the right tools, some wood and half a slab of Barecove Raddler (they've changed thier name! This bares investigating!)
Easy with some beer!

For the finance (yeah, thankfully she did say yes when I put a ring on it) that store is Spotlight, where everything can be built with a sewing needle, a staple gun and rolls of fabric, provided someone shows you how to first.
Today was no different as we roamed the store of 99% women in search of shiny things that would make her handmade engagement party invitations take a big hot flying dump on any you could buy pre made. And while she was weighing up the pros and cons of various glues, I came across something a self admitted rev head like me couldn't help but utter a giggle over...